The opposite of Love is not Hate perhaps it’s Indifference. Silent divorce as the name suggests is a cruel, yet silent form of distance between couples. It lingers on when married couples continue to stay legally married but have lost all the emotional or physical intimacy that once served as fuel to the marriage. It’s the silent death of a relationship and more of a partnership.According to marriage researchers, it’s like walking down the dead end of a tunnel, the more you force yourself to continue, the greater you disengage emotionally. This disengagement soon serves as a common precursor to the end stop of actual divorce.Dr John Gottman’s research on relationship dynamics suggests similar patterns among couples. He talks of emotional withdrawal being one of the most dangerous patterns in relationships, often leading to a complete breakdown. This breakdown has stages to it. This vicious cycle known as ‘Four Horsemen’ starts with criticism moves to conflict, then to defensiveness and finally stonewalling (a behaviour where one partner chooses not to respond at all.)In other words, couples in a silent divorce phase may not engage in active conflict, but they are often already experiencing levels of destructive patterns ‘silently.’POKES & TRIGGERS“The main reason for silent divorces starts with emotional neglect or a feeling of being emotionally distant,” says Vibha Chopra Juneja, a Counselling Psychologist, Mumbai. There could be other reasons too – lack of communication, jumping to conclusions or preset assumptions.Silent divorces are common in both love and arranged marriages. “Especially in love marriages, partners enter the marriage phase with a lot of emotional closeness but once the honeymoon phase fades off, emotional needs are left unmet,” says Vibha.With arranged marriages, it’s a slightly different ball game. Here, emotional relations are yet in their premature stage. But things could change if a spurt of differences hit one in the face.Kavita, a Psychologist and Mental Health Professional says, “Over time the difference quotient especially in terms of values, mismatched individualities, lack of compatibility can lead to emotional disintegration.” Social and familial expectations can worsen things.SILENT VICTIMSIn a silent divorce, it’s not just the couple suffering. Children are at the receiving end. Not seeing parents verbally fight and the cold distant behavioural patterns could push a child into a cocoon of sorts. Wanting to know, yet staying quiet.“Children who grow in emotionally separated homes can struggle to have a healthy relationship in adulthood,” says Kavita, adding, “These kids are afraid of intimacy or somehow repeat the same behavioural patterns as they grow up.”Several studies suggest that children exposed to ‘silent divorce’ setups are prone to anxiety, depression and other behavioural problems. It is tough to stay in the same home with emotionally distant individuals. This eventually creates an emotionally separated home. Vibha says, “Such setups create a sense of confusion, self-doubt and even anxiety in children, sadly even being used as mediators by parents.”A WAY OUTArshiya Sheliya, a Counselling Psyvhologistsays, “In silent divorces, partners settle to co-exist in favour of maintaining the mere façade of being husband and wife rather than fostering a true connection with societal pressures that kick in.”However, there are ways to put a stop to this vicious cycle. Arshiya opines that both individuals involved must be willing to make the relationship work. Have an honest conversation to seek clarity rather than pouncing on the other. Each partner should be given the chance to speak without having any fear of being blamed or otherwise. Couples therapy has proved to do wonders in saving relationships. Sometimes these therapy sessions even shed light on whether couples should choose to stay in the relationship or mutually leave.The Roommate SyndromeRoommate syndrome happens when a couple coexists rather than truly connects. They manage the logistics of life — bills, chores, parenting — without emotional intimacy, passion, or deep conversation.An offshoot of Silent divorces is the roommate syndrome. This refers to an initially romantic partnership that has now lost its spark and charm. Here partners start treating the other more like old roommates rather than romantically entwined companions. There is a sense of detachment, lacking any emotional or physical intimacy whatsoever.Vibha says, “Imagine working in an office where you have a reliable colleague. You coordinate on projects or exchange polite greetings but that’s it.” Such a relationship is drained of its excitement with no deep conversations or emotional connection. While this could be a phase experienced by couples once or twice in their relationships, it could be fairly common in long-term marriages.“As work, household chores, financial concerns and caring for children take up most of their energy and time, love takes a back seat,” explains Arshiya. Constant family involvement and lack of boundaries between spouses could serve as barriers making couples view each other more like roommates and less like partners. Breaking from roommate syndrome requires a few tweaks. From setting aside quality time to rediscovering new interests or engaging in activities that both initially enjoyed.
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